Often I showed up with my B-game or C-game. Auto-piloting, just clicking buttons. When I was all in a certain spot with say an over-pair against top pair, I would expect getting five outer-ed. I knew I’d lose flips or get my Aces cracked against Kings or run into Aces with my Kings and not get there.
There was a tangible shift in mentality, it was like I had resigned to the idea of losing even in way ahead situations. I would hero call in spots where I knew the villain is never bluffing, and make over elaborate bluffs and then wonder why did I get called.
As to the reason why this happened, it could be as simple as not paying attention to the mind. The way our body needs exercise to stay fit, the mind also needs workout to keep it in good shape, whether it is by meditation or reading books. Furthermore, it is also affected by your life outside poker.
LIFE FACTS
1. Higher Expenses
In the last 12 months, I have spent twice the amount I spent in the 12 months before that (I got married and went on more vacations).
If I am honest with myself, I do think that higher expenses brings pressure and affects the game. It is not all about the money, but also about missing days where I could have put in a grind instead. Unlike a salaried employee, every day we are not on our job, we don’t get paid
I am a flow-player meaning that I perform better when I am playing on a regular schedule. Even though I relished the wedding and the vacations, these breaks ruptured that momentum. Having said this, it is a lifestyle I chose - traveling, enjoying life and playing poker. So the onus is on me to get better at managing the breaks.
2. Unfit body, unfit mind
I have become a not so proud owner of the Indian epidemic called the beer belly. Binge drinking and smoking became a norm. My food habits aren’t the best. And I have nothing to show for in the name of physical exercise.
It should surprise no one that this has a direct correlation with my performance. Alcohol and drugs affect the ability to focus for a sustained period of time. The morning after, I felt drowsy and not capable to think deeply about spots. I felt returning to auto-pilot mode often because I had no stamina left.
Goa monsoons didn’t help either. At the onset, sure it looked green and beautiful. But with time, when I couldn’t go to the beach for a run, or see the sun for days, my mood became as overcast as the sky above.
3. Loneliness
Even before getting married, my wife and I stayed together - so there was no change in that. The friends I had here moved away either geographically or emotionally. With the kind of lifestyle I (and my wife) have - working from home, rarely stepping out - I didn’t meet a lot of new people either. During most days, I said hello to more birds and animals than humans.
This solitude of living in a Goan village got to me. I grew concerned about my mental health as I could see it precipitating into something more serious.
4. No creative outlet
I wrote five articles in 2017 and 13 in 2016. In 2018, I published one.
The reason I got into poker was to sustain my writing. But somewhere along the way, I forgot that initial purpose and focused just on poker. At least I thought I did. What actually happened was that the unsatisfied creative urge to produce something bred discontent and disillusion with poker. The dissatisfaction manifested itself in a sense of futility and a lackadaisical attitude towards the game.
I remember the feeling of waking up in the morning and springing out of the bed so that I can study and play poker. I don't feel that way anymore. The motivation to play the game to enjoy it is not there. Sure, I want to play the game for money but it's not like before where I used to play because I actually enjoyed the game.
5. Indifference towards money
I became numb to losing money. Some of my biggest single day losing sessions came in this period. I stopped caring about money not because I am super rich but because I don't see more money equaling more contentment or happiness.
The detachment with money comes as part of the job description. When we see daily swings which can sometimes equal someone's monthly salary, you stop looking at money as something that is hard to get. It is not bad per se but when it affects your decisions on the table, when you make that big hero call because ‘Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone,’ then it becomes a problem.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME POSITIVES
The losses haven't been that big because of my low volume and a conservative BRM. I am disciplined with my bankroll management and that has allowed me to not worry about my personal financial situation.
I dropped down the stakes. So the mistakes I make are not as costly as before.
I still believe in my ability to bounce back. Self-confidence, which has come from hours of study and playing is holding me in good stead.
PSL Season 2 runner up spot was pretty sweet.