Fatherhood, In Three Timelines

I wrote this piece at three different times: 2 weeks after becoming a father, then after 5 months, and finally 19 months. I have not edited anything out, so hopefully, it gives an unfiltered, clear reflection of my thoughts at the time.

Two weeks of Fatherhood:

I just woke up from a 45-minute afternoon napuccino. It's when you take a coffee before a nap. By the time the caffeine kicks in, your nap is over, and you wake up fresh; none of that post-nap grogginess.

This is one of the longest naps I’ve had in the last two weeks. Most days it’s 15–25 minutes. And more often than not, I wake up feeling recharged to power through the rest of the day (or night). It’s like plugging in your phone at 18% on power-saving mode - twenty minutes later, it’s good to go.

I have always been a good napper. But having a baby, it feels like I have levelled up my napping game.

I can now sleep anywhere, anytime. Twenty minutes till my wife finishes feeding the baby, and it’s my turn to burp and change him? I nap. Earlier, I would’ve spent that time on my phone, which only made falling asleep harder.

The first two weeks of fatherhood have forced me to be present all the time. There’s just one thought running in the background: keep the newborn alive and well; no drifting into an immovable past or an unrealised future.

So there’s no boredom. No craving for instant gratification. No revenge procrastination. Just sleep after long, tiring days.

I’m always moving. Diapers to change. Utensils to wash. Cats to attend to - like right now, as I hear Pippin meowing upstairs after his nap. I give him his due attention. Then it’s time to feed the baby again.

Has it been overwhelming? At times, yes. Especially since it’s just my wife and I taking care of him. We haven’t called for external help (yet). Friends, though, have been life-saving.

Is it rewarding? The baby is alive, healthy, a peeing-pooping machine who hasn't yet developed ways to reciprocate affection. But I don't think I've thought about any reward. Even when I pause to look for it, nothing comes to mind.

Maybe that’s the lesson. Being fully present in the action. That itself is the reward.

5 months of Fatherhood:

It’s 2.30 pm.

I’ve just returned from the hospital. The baby hadn’t peed in about twelve hours - a sign of dehydration and a cause for serious worry. Fortunately, he peed in the paediatrician’s office. I guess he didn’t want to spend a second longer in the hospital than necessary.

I came home and sterilised his teethers. Made coffee - my second shot of caffeine today. I placed him in his bouncer, right next to my work desk.

This isn’t normal. I haven’t really used my work desk much in the last five months.

Nobody told me parenthood would be this tough. Some people did allude to it. I just didn’t think it would be this exhausting, especially since we chose to do most of the work ourselves instead of hiring help.

It does have its rewards.

I now know all my baby’s tickle points. All the funny faces that make him smile. All the tiny cues that tell me what he needs — or what he definitely doesn’t. We go for morning walks - I carry him in a baby carrier. We meet pet dogs, neighbours, and stray cats. It's quite nice.

19 months of Fatherhood:

My boy, today.

We have a nanny now. My son is playing downstairs with her. I can occasionally hear his cries and screams and nahin - that's his favourite word. He's a boy after all - he makes his presence felt.

His dependency on me has reduced. I still bathe him every day. He still relies on me for aggressive play - I’m told toddler boys need that. I’m more than happy to oblige.

I still work from home. I take frequent breaks to go see him, to play.

Today, he pulled out a small tub, sat in it, and asked me to push him around the house. And then: “again.” That’s his second-favourite word.

We don’t go on morning walks much anymore. Sometimes I take him to the playground in the evenings. He talks now. Copies everything I say. Has learned how to say “lub you.”

Fatherhood is as exhausting as you want it to be. Or maybe as exhausting as you allow it to be. I’ve been focusing more on work lately. So I've started delegating more around the house, letting my wife take on more of the heavy lifting.

I have no idea how it's going to be in the future. But I’m here for all of it.